


Choosing you

by bahnhofsblumen



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Alec and Magnus are in love, Alec lightwood-bane, Boys In Love, F/F, Grief, Immortal Alec Lightwood, Immortal Husbands, Loss, M/M, Regret?, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, This is really sad sorry, We are pro-immortal husbands in this house, idk what this is, immortality issue, magnus lightwood-bane, they're married
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-23
Updated: 2018-02-23
Packaged: 2019-03-23 03:42:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,283
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13778919
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bahnhofsblumen/pseuds/bahnhofsblumen
Summary: Alec is dealing with the consequences of being immortal. Magnus loves him.





	Choosing you

**Author's Note:**

> Uhhhhhh.... me? Using fanfics as a coping mechanism for dealing with grief..? Maybe. This is really depressing, sorry.

Alec didn't ever regret choosing Magnus. Not when he came out to his parents, not when they were being difficult about their relationship, not when the thing with the Soul Sword happened. Not once did Alec regret changing his life towards his own happiness. Magnus was always somehow there for Alec and knew exactly what Alec needed. 

Choosing Magnus had not always necessarily been easy. At his “wedding” with Lydia it hadn't seemed like an easy choice, though, if he looked back now it hadn't been that hard either. Standing up for himself had been a lot easier with Magnus by his side. His parents' opinion of him and his relationship hadn't mattered anymore, he was a grown man and frankly, he was done with trying to please his parents. Declaring his love for Magnus had felt natural when it had fallen out of Alec's mouth after he had been desperately searching for Magnus. When he had finally found him, the words just needed to be said. He had never been more relieved when Magnus had told him he felt the same.

Magnus Bane loved him. It had felt surreal. His boyfriend had been by his side even when he'd done the wrong things and made the wrong choices. He had tried to help even when he had been rightfully angry at Alec for lying to him.

That was one of the reasons it had been easy to tell Magnus he couldn't live without him. Because it was true. Being with Magnus was easy. It felt like breathing after being underwater for a while. Alec didn't know how to live any other way. Loving Magnus was as normal to Alec as waking up in the morning.

Even his mother had changed a lot after her divorce. Especially in the first months of Magnus and Alec's relationship and after trying to make things better between her and her son's boyfriend things had really gotten better. Slowly but surely. Izzy was not surprised when her brother approached her shortly before their one year anniversary and asked her to help him find the perfect engagement ring for Magnus. No one was surprised when Alec and Magnus had just started to wear the same simple gold ring on their left ring finger. It was clear as day that these two were absolutely and utterly in love. It had not always been easy. 

After they got married, they both felt like they were on top of the world. Izzy had organized the wedding and the whole room had been golden. Magnus had been wearing a beautiful sparkling suit that matched his radiating smile. Alec hadn't stopped smiling all day either. Magnus knew Alec was the love of his life. That no one else had ever loved him the way Alec did. That didn't stop Magnus from worrying about the future though.

Loving mortals was always painful but losing Alec would rip a hole through Magnus's soul that nothing and nobody would be able to heal. Magnus was sure of that fact.

They had fought about that topic exactly once. It had happened after they had adopted their first son Max. Alec had been occupied with singing the little blue warlock to sleep and when he walked into their bedroom he had found his husband sitting on their bed, crying his eyes out. When the warlock had looked up at Alec through his golden cat eyes, all he had been able to say was “I can't lose you. We can't lose you.”  
Alec had tried to say that he wouldn't ever think of leaving them which had resulted in Magnus crying even more and yelling that he couldn't promise that. He'd yelled that he didn't have a choice but to die one day.

Magnus had been so angry. Not at Alec or anyone really. He had been frustrated at the situation and had taken it out on Alec who had decided to give him some space and sleep on the couch that night. That hadn't worked out. Alec had woken up curled up next to his husband in their bed the next morning. After that they hadn't mentioned the topic. When Alec had given him his stele for their six year marriage anniversary, Magnus's only reaction had been a confused frown. Alec had calmly smiled at him.  


“There's a rune I'd really like for you to put over my heart. Really, this is more of a gift from Clary but I hope that's okay with you. She created a rune for me. Or rather for us. It will grant me immortality as long as it's you who draws it on me. I'm not going to leave you or Max. I want to give you my forever, Magnus.”  


Magnus had started crying and after his husband had calmed him down he made sure that Alec knew what he was doing. And Alec had been sure. Alec had never been more sure of anything in his life. He didn't regret choosing immortality. After all, the decision hadn't solely been for Magnus. It was for him too and for their son. He didn't want to leave them.

It had been an easy choice, though the consequences had been hard. When his mother died, Alec was an absolute wreck. His relationship with his mother had gotten stronger over the years, she had come to dinner at their loft once a month at least and had repeatedly been telling Alec how proud she was of him for not giving up and instead finding love and living the life he deserved.

Her death had been hard on him. Magnus was grieving her a lot as well. But they were helping each other through the hard weeks afterwards and Alec and Magnus still had Alec's siblings. They got through it in the end. All of them together as a family.

A few years later Alec started to get aware of his siblings' age. Izzy was moving slower than she used to on missions, they needed more Iratze's for their injuries. There were moments where Alec couldn't stop thinking about these things but his husband was always by his side, supporting him.

Then Jace had died on a mission, like many Shadowhunters did and Alec and Izzy had both been shells of themselves for weeks. Somehow life had continued for both of them, though.  


Barely four years later, Izzy had died. Izzy's death had been especially hard on Alec. She had been too stubborn to stop going on missions until one time it had almost killed her. She had complained the whole three weeks she had to spend in the infirmary afterwards and Alec had not allowed her to go on dangerous demon hunting related missions anymore after that incident. She'd been angry for a while, telling him she felt bored staying at the Institute all the time but he hadn't budged. Seeing his siblings age and get grey hair hurt him more than he liked to admit.

Magnus knew how Alec was feeling, he'd seen people he'd loved die of old age. But he had never had a husband before to grieve with.

So when Izzy died with her brother holding one of her hands and her girlfriend Maia holding the other it had been hard for everyone. Izzy had smiled at Alec and told him how proud she'd always been of him. He'd made choices for himself that had inspired others to do the same. He had been a role model for entire generations of Shadowhunters already and he'd continue to be one. When she had turned to her girlfriend Magnus and Alec had stopped listening, not wanting to interfere with their last moment together. Alec had cried and spent the whole rest of the day with Maia and his husband. Their son had spent the day at Catarina's to spend time with Madzie.  


When Rafael had joined their family a little bit later things had been getting better again. Alec laughed more and seemed more carefree over time. He knew that Alec would never stop thinking about Izzy or his mother. But that wasn't even necessary. You never forgot about the ones you loved, they continued living in your heart. But as Magnus had once told Will Herondale:“You endure what is unbearable, and you bear it.”

There were stages of grief Alec went through. They weren't exactly the stages mundanes often described but Magnus noticed when Alec had days where he was numb to his surroundings.

Sometimes he didn't hear Magnus asking him if he wanted another cup of coffee in the morning, so Magnus cleared their schedule and whisked them away to try and distract his husband at least a little bit.

On other days there was so much anger inside of Alec, he didn't know what to do with it. Magnus would let him run off to the Institute and welcomed him back without judgment in the evening, with bleeding knuckles. He'd sit him down, heal his hands and let him cry onto his shoulder.

There were also days where Alec just seemed lost in his grief. He'd spend the day in bed, not wanting to get dressed or eat or go to work. Those days were the hardest for all of them.  


It began to get easier after the first anniversary of Izzy's death. Alec's mood was more stable and life got better again. The next few years were almost calm. Alec stopped working at the Institute as much, having fulfilled his duty already, so he only went on missions some of the time. Mostly he used his time to train Rafael personally.

He was happy and he knew his sister would have wanted that for him. Not a day passed where he didn't miss her though. Magnus repeatedly told him that that was normal and they'd get through it together. Alec was grateful to have him. Once again, he didn't regret choosing his husband over everything else.

When the five year anniversary of her death came around Alec didn't get out of a phase of grief for almost a whole month. Even Max, who was old enough to understand what his dad was going through by now, was concerned. Rafael and Max spent the day with their dads, though Max and Rafael spent the night at Catarina's place. It hurt Magnus to see his husband so lost every year. He sat down on the couch next to his husband and placed a hand on his knee.  


“Alexander, talk to me.”  
He pulled Magnus into a tight hug and Magnus couldn't help but smile against Alec's neck. When Alec pulled back a sad smile was painted across his face.  


“I just miss her so much, Magnus. I've spent my entire life protecting her and when I stopped watching her grow up, I started to watch her grow old. Without me. And I couldn't protect her. Not from that. I know she was happy for me. She always encouraged me to do what would make me happy. I just wish we'd had more time together. But sometimes I feel so empty and I don't know what to do about it. Everyone says it gets easier but when? Because it's been nearly five years and it still hurts everyday. And if I didn't have you and the boys I couldn't do this. At all. I don't know what to say because everything reminds me of her. And then I start to think that I should have spent more time with her, done more for her and been a better brother for her, even though rationally I know that that's not true. I know you've been through this situation before but it is still new for me, and I don't know what to do with all the pain.”  


Magnus had let Alec get all of his thoughts out first and then turned his husband's head so that he'd look at him.  


“Everything you're feeling is valid. Yes, I've had to deal with loss before. Ragnor's death was very hard for me. Before that there hasn't been anyone in my life for a very long time that I lost. But I've never had someone to share my pain with before you. I've always closed myself off from everyone because I thought I had to deal with my grief alone. But now I'm not alone. And you aren't either. I tried to make the first year as bearable as it could be because I know how much you loved Izzy and how much you still love her. I do too. I'm not going to tell you to move one because that never works. Instead, let's try to deal with whatever we're feeling together. Because when you keep it all to yourself I never know if it's because of me or if it's something else.”  


Alec frowned at that. “Why would it be because of you? Magnus, you're my husband.”  


“I know but there's this small part of me that keeps telling me that you're not talking to me about this because you regret it.”  
Alec shifted on the couch, turning to Magnus and taking his hands.

“Magnus, I love you. Whatever happens, I have never and will never regret choosing you. You're the best thing that has ever happened to me and nothing can change that. No matter what, don't doubt yourself or my love for you.”  


Magnus leaned in to kiss him and smiled a sad smile. “I'll try not to. I love you too, we'll get through this. Together. It will get easier one day. Never easy but easier, my love. We endure what is unbearable, and we bear it. That is all.”

**Author's Note:**

> [ Yell at me on tumblr ](https://ifthingsgetcrazy.tumblr.com)


End file.
